"Defiant Child?" trumpets the half-page ad in my weekend newspaper'vs magazine section, offering help to change your kid's attitude and take back control of your family.
I had a defiant child once. I overheard her having a telephone conversation with her best friend. It went something like this: "When they say 'no', you should say 'why not?' When they tell you, you should say, 'that's not a good reason.'"
Many parents believe that the best way to teach children to be successful is to teach them to obey. Anything less than that is seen as a serious problem, and leads to taking steps to control such a "defiant child." The child gets angry and either escalates the fight or caves in to the control and the anger goes underground.
Other parents feel completely helpless in the face of a child's opposition. These parents are the ones who cave in after making only a half-hearted, ineffective stab at controlling their rebellious youngster. These kids keep pushing, secretly hoping for the relief of boundaries to keep them safe, while vehemently protesting any attempt to impose limits on their behavior.
I had been leaning in the over-control direction until I learned a better way. My daughter's anger had turned into sweetly agreeing to do whatever she was told to do and then doing absolutely nothing about keeping her agreement. And driving me crazy!
The important secret I learned was to teach her how to argue with me. The telephone conversation was her simply passing this information along to her friend (in a somewhat modified form). Fortunately, we all survived and she now has children of her own.
What too few parents realize is that all healthy school-age children are sometimes rebellious and oppositional - for a very important developmental reason. They need to learn to think for themselves in order to learn to take responsibility for themselves as they mature.
Believe it or not, arguing is the best method to learn thinking skills. No, not repeating the same "Why not?" "Because I said so!" scenario. You need to model explaining the reasons for your position and help your child explain the reasons why she or he wants a different outcome.
This can be a challenge for a mom or dad who avoids confrontation or negotiation because s/he has never had the opportunity to learn or practice this kind of argument. You can learn, though: just expand the directions my daughter was giving to her friend.
Instead of insisting that your child follow your rule without thinking about it, help him or her to understand why you think the rule is important. LISTEN to your child's counter-argument. Ask questions about it. Take time to talk about it. Imagine possible outcomes by asking "What if" questions.
Be willing to change your position if your child's argument is convincing, and if health and/or safety aren't at risk. And be willing to take a stand and insist that your child do it your way if you still feel strongly about it.
The process of having the argument is more important than the outcome.
Helping kids learn this skill before they reach adolescence increases the odds that they'll think about what their friends are pressuring them to do. When they practice thinking about the outcome of their choices now, they are better prepared to make healthy decisions for themselves later.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Understanding your fear - About Stress
Stress and the effects of stress are all part of modern life, however sometimes we confuse being busy with being stressed. Sometimes there isn't enough time in the day to complete the routine tasks of life and we have to prioritize what we do in both work and our domestic lives. When we perform minor tasks at the expense of the more important ones we get an increasing sense of urgency and inability to do them. Our mind tells us that we have done the wrong things. Stress however is not caused by doing the wrong things; stress is caused by our perception of the time available to do the things we have to do.
A definition used for pilots in their training regarding stress is as follows;
Stress is the difference between the perceived task and our perceived ability to perform the task.
You will see that this definition does not include any reference to the importance of what we do.
For instance the reason that traffic jams are so stressful to some people is that the perceived task i.e. getting to work on time versus the ability to get there on time is in conflict and out of one's control.
However if each morning you were escorted to work by a police car with its flashing lights and sirens going then your perceived ability to get to work on time would be fairly high and therefore your stress levels would come down.
Anyone who suffers from a fear of flying suffers considerable stress because the task of getting on a plane and flying away compared with ability to perform that task is almost non-existent. This causes very high levels of stress, which affect many aspects of our cognitive (thinking) processes. The first step to reduce stress levels it is to set realizable outcomes. You should set your expectations to something that you can realistically achieve, and then when you enjoy success you can raise your expectations gradually until you meet your required outcome.
Clearly if you have a fear of flying, you cannot expect to fly as happily as the crew do. Perhaps it would be more realistic to expect to be very anxious generally. Why not concentrate on a small part of the flight where your anxiety can be reduced. Perhaps your first task might be to walk around in the cabin or to let go of the armrests for a few moments; start with something simple, congratulate yourself, then set new targets.
The mind is open to all sorts of negative thoughts when stressed. A fearful flyer not only suffers the overall stress of flying but also to additional stresses like turbulence or being in an enclosed space.
If you change your perceived task, youll increase your chances of your perceived ability to do it. Then you will be in a better state to apply a working strategy. And a working strategy should be your immediate goal.
Here is something that could help.
If you aim to climb a mountain, then you will succeed only when you reach the summit. If however you aim to get as far up the mountain as you can, then each time you try youll succeed. This is not a question of setting low standards or aspirations its setting realistic ones. After all overcoming your fear is not a competition, theres no winning or losing there is only succeeding.
A definition used for pilots in their training regarding stress is as follows;
Stress is the difference between the perceived task and our perceived ability to perform the task.
You will see that this definition does not include any reference to the importance of what we do.
For instance the reason that traffic jams are so stressful to some people is that the perceived task i.e. getting to work on time versus the ability to get there on time is in conflict and out of one's control.
However if each morning you were escorted to work by a police car with its flashing lights and sirens going then your perceived ability to get to work on time would be fairly high and therefore your stress levels would come down.
Anyone who suffers from a fear of flying suffers considerable stress because the task of getting on a plane and flying away compared with ability to perform that task is almost non-existent. This causes very high levels of stress, which affect many aspects of our cognitive (thinking) processes. The first step to reduce stress levels it is to set realizable outcomes. You should set your expectations to something that you can realistically achieve, and then when you enjoy success you can raise your expectations gradually until you meet your required outcome.
Clearly if you have a fear of flying, you cannot expect to fly as happily as the crew do. Perhaps it would be more realistic to expect to be very anxious generally. Why not concentrate on a small part of the flight where your anxiety can be reduced. Perhaps your first task might be to walk around in the cabin or to let go of the armrests for a few moments; start with something simple, congratulate yourself, then set new targets.
The mind is open to all sorts of negative thoughts when stressed. A fearful flyer not only suffers the overall stress of flying but also to additional stresses like turbulence or being in an enclosed space.
If you change your perceived task, youll increase your chances of your perceived ability to do it. Then you will be in a better state to apply a working strategy. And a working strategy should be your immediate goal.
Here is something that could help.
If you aim to climb a mountain, then you will succeed only when you reach the summit. If however you aim to get as far up the mountain as you can, then each time you try youll succeed. This is not a question of setting low standards or aspirations its setting realistic ones. After all overcoming your fear is not a competition, theres no winning or losing there is only succeeding.
The Educational Goal Of Psychology
Psychology is the study of behavior. Educational psychology is the study of teachers, students, educational curriculums and training methods. It provides a database of facts. It also develops generalizations to be applied in the classroom. Educational psychology is also called applied psychology.
The main objective of the educational psychology is to help the teachers in teaching the students. However, there are certain benefits that you can get as a teacher:
1. You can develop certain convictions with the help of educational psychology to promote your students' mental growth, improve their learning process and develop their personalities. You can also help them in their social behaviors.
2. You can define and set-up education objectives of your students in terms of their conducts, attitudes and behaviors. When you have a clear picture of your refined goals and objectives, you can develop a befitting curriculum besides improving your teaching methods.
3. The educational psychology is not a one-way traffic. Being a teacher, you can solve your own behavioral problems as well. You can develop a certain level of sympathy and objectivity with the problems of your students to get the best results.
4. You can achieve better understanding of behaviors of your students. You can make them realize importance of social relationships and improve their social confidence, their participation in groups and cooperativeness.
5. You can analyze your collected data and use the generalized convictions in handling certain educational situations such as selection of instruction material, structure of teaching methods and development of desired outcomes. The instruction modules should be developed in a way that the instruction material and the teaching methods should not obstruct the learning process.
6. You can develop a better perspective for judging both the results of your own teachings and the educational practices of your colleagues. The educational psychology provides a background to handle intricacies involved in teaching of children. It helps you to develop a scientific, objective and problem solving mindset towards the learning process.
7. You can analyze behaviors of your students and find solid ways for normal adjustment and personality development. The educational psychology also helps you to set up and define progressive teaching education. You can develop guidance programs and functional formats for organizational and administrative matters.
8. A scientific usage of the educational psychology can also help you to solve certain clinical problems such as reading disability, stammering, chronic offensive attitudes and emotional disturbance. However, it is advisable to consult professional psychiatrist in severe cases.
Educational psychology offers ways to study student behavior and handle educational problems. Research has shown that educational psychology can help teachers achieve their educational goals.
The main objective of the educational psychology is to help the teachers in teaching the students. However, there are certain benefits that you can get as a teacher:
1. You can develop certain convictions with the help of educational psychology to promote your students' mental growth, improve their learning process and develop their personalities. You can also help them in their social behaviors.
2. You can define and set-up education objectives of your students in terms of their conducts, attitudes and behaviors. When you have a clear picture of your refined goals and objectives, you can develop a befitting curriculum besides improving your teaching methods.
3. The educational psychology is not a one-way traffic. Being a teacher, you can solve your own behavioral problems as well. You can develop a certain level of sympathy and objectivity with the problems of your students to get the best results.
4. You can achieve better understanding of behaviors of your students. You can make them realize importance of social relationships and improve their social confidence, their participation in groups and cooperativeness.
5. You can analyze your collected data and use the generalized convictions in handling certain educational situations such as selection of instruction material, structure of teaching methods and development of desired outcomes. The instruction modules should be developed in a way that the instruction material and the teaching methods should not obstruct the learning process.
6. You can develop a better perspective for judging both the results of your own teachings and the educational practices of your colleagues. The educational psychology provides a background to handle intricacies involved in teaching of children. It helps you to develop a scientific, objective and problem solving mindset towards the learning process.
7. You can analyze behaviors of your students and find solid ways for normal adjustment and personality development. The educational psychology also helps you to set up and define progressive teaching education. You can develop guidance programs and functional formats for organizational and administrative matters.
8. A scientific usage of the educational psychology can also help you to solve certain clinical problems such as reading disability, stammering, chronic offensive attitudes and emotional disturbance. However, it is advisable to consult professional psychiatrist in severe cases.
Educational psychology offers ways to study student behavior and handle educational problems. Research has shown that educational psychology can help teachers achieve their educational goals.
Who Is That In The Mirror?
Every time I look in the mirror now, I wonder "Who is that in the mirror"? It appears to be a total stranger. There is this white haired, overweight, women who has appeared to have lost that glow of youth.
When I am not looking in the mirror, I feel no different than I did 25 years ago. I still feel like that young woman with the dark auburn hair and olive complexion. My dreams are still the same dreams. I still harbor hope for a better life for myself and my children. I still do not know what the future is going to bring to me. I surely am not ready for a rocking chair yet!
My physical package has changed but my inner self is still new and thirsty for life's pleasures and challenges when the dawn brings in a new day. I am still not finished with me yet. There are so many things I want to know. I have a long way to go to accomplish my dreams. Life is passing by so quickly. Each day seems to fly by faster than the day before.
Is my mirror a reflection of me, or maybe just a forewarning not to take every moment for granite?
When you are young time is forever, but as you grow older time passes so quickly. When you figure the average American lives 77 years, then I only have approximately 20 years left to complete myself. That is a pretty sobering fact when you figure for 57 years have already passed by and I am far from completion. By my calculations I need another 50 years to maybe be satisfied or completed with me.
We are always told to take time to smell the roses, or embrace the moment. Just do not embrace for to long, or get lost in the rose garden because before you know it you are looking in the mirror wondering who that is.
Maybe we should live more by the philosophy,"make hay while the sun shines".
Who is that in the mirror? It is me! It is a person who has worked hard at making necessary changes in her life to become a better life. It is a person who has overcome drug and alcohol abuse, spouse abuse and a major life threatening eating disorder.
No the person in the mirror has not amassed wealth or made any great contributions to society, but today I am a person who has a sense of personal value. Today my children and husband have a different respect for me and value me differently. Today I am new.
So when I am looking in the mirror today, I am looking at a stranger. I have worked hard to be different and better. Now I need to get to know me, because I am no longer that young woman with the dark auburn hair and olive complexion. That is the person I worked so hard not to be anymore. Today my beauty is inner.
When I am not looking in the mirror, I feel no different than I did 25 years ago. I still feel like that young woman with the dark auburn hair and olive complexion. My dreams are still the same dreams. I still harbor hope for a better life for myself and my children. I still do not know what the future is going to bring to me. I surely am not ready for a rocking chair yet!
My physical package has changed but my inner self is still new and thirsty for life's pleasures and challenges when the dawn brings in a new day. I am still not finished with me yet. There are so many things I want to know. I have a long way to go to accomplish my dreams. Life is passing by so quickly. Each day seems to fly by faster than the day before.
Is my mirror a reflection of me, or maybe just a forewarning not to take every moment for granite?
When you are young time is forever, but as you grow older time passes so quickly. When you figure the average American lives 77 years, then I only have approximately 20 years left to complete myself. That is a pretty sobering fact when you figure for 57 years have already passed by and I am far from completion. By my calculations I need another 50 years to maybe be satisfied or completed with me.
We are always told to take time to smell the roses, or embrace the moment. Just do not embrace for to long, or get lost in the rose garden because before you know it you are looking in the mirror wondering who that is.
Maybe we should live more by the philosophy,"make hay while the sun shines".
Who is that in the mirror? It is me! It is a person who has worked hard at making necessary changes in her life to become a better life. It is a person who has overcome drug and alcohol abuse, spouse abuse and a major life threatening eating disorder.
No the person in the mirror has not amassed wealth or made any great contributions to society, but today I am a person who has a sense of personal value. Today my children and husband have a different respect for me and value me differently. Today I am new.
So when I am looking in the mirror today, I am looking at a stranger. I have worked hard to be different and better. Now I need to get to know me, because I am no longer that young woman with the dark auburn hair and olive complexion. That is the person I worked so hard not to be anymore. Today my beauty is inner.
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